I used to be soooo angry. It’s one of the side effects of having a victim mentality. And it’s a hard habit to break. It makes you feel powerful (or least pretend power). It makes you feel like you are DOING something (even though you really aren’t).
The last few weeks I’ve had plenty of opportunities to be angry about my circumstances. My motorcycle that I waited 35 years for isn’t running and the mechanic is backed up 3 to 4 weeks before he can see me. I lost a long-time client from my web business. I’m sleeping even less than normal.
The last two days offered even more anger opportunities as the decisions of managers and other employees at the restaurant where I work were actually causing me to lose a lot of money and waste a lot of my time.
Am I angry about all of it? Sure I am. But the level of this anger is what really astonishes me. As recently as a year ago, all of these things piled on top of each other would have triggered me to punch a wall, or flip out on someone. Or both.
Last night it escalated and my “lashing out” was merely a stern talking to the person was causing me to lose money. I then spoke with the managers to let them know what was happening.
That was it. No big drama. Nothing got broken.
On the way home, I was venting to Robin and realized that I actually was suppressing some my anger. The frustration was bubbling up and I thought about going back into the old habits of stopping at the diner and shoveling food in my face or getting drunk.
When she asked if I wanted to stop at the diner I thought about it for a moment and realized I didn’t need to. I made the conscious decision to go home and just have a few drinks.
Once we got home I poured a shot of Jack Daniels and took a few sips. It was the first time in my life I didn’t finish a drink. (I know… wasted alcohol… the horror!)
On a scale of 1 to 10, the anger I felt was about a 3.5 at its peak.
Even more amazing to me is that I hadn’t meditated in a few days. Not meditating is usually the precursor to an emotional blowup.
Yes, I’m frustrated that things aren’t going my way. But the emotions inside haven’t escalated to a level of anger that hurts me or anyone around me.
HOW was I able to reach this level of chill?
I’m learning to master the art of non-resistance. I’m learning to master the art of non-attachment. These are not just some new-age mumbo-jumbo words of a spiritual wannabe. They are practical, real-world practices that make a huge difference in my life.
Are you willing to let go of YOUR anger, resentment and self-loathing?
I highly recommend it.
I love you.